130 Best Dirty Jokes of All Time [2023 Update] (2023)

Here is a small collection of some of the funniest and nastiest dirty jokes you can imagine! We've also included some of the funniest prank memes for you to explore in this list of pranks. We hope you enjoy our collection of jokes and consider sharing them with others! Also check out this page if you specifically wantdirty jokes for herodirty jokes for him.

Let us begin!

Asking your geeky friend:
Do you want to hear a joke about a v*gina? It doesn't matter. You would never get it!

What do you get when you rattle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!

69% of people find something dirty in every paragraph they read

A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. The male whale recognized the ship that caught her father whale a year ago. He asks the female whale, "let's get under the boat, blow air out of our vents, and I might capsize the boat." They go ahead and do it, successfully: the fishing boat sinks. However, the boat's sailors manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. The male whale, disappointed that they were able to escape, asked the female whale, "Let's catch them and eat them." But this time, the female whale doesn't want to participate: "Look, I gave the blowjob just like you asked, but I really don't want to swallow the sailors."

Making love is like a burrito, don't unwrap it or that baby is on your lap.

Life is like a pen - women can make it difficult in an instant.

A maggot crawls out of a stack of spaghetti and says, "Damn, that was one hell of a gang bang!"

This may seem corny, but you make me very horny.

The wife asks her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
The husband responds: "One, two, three, four, you, five, six... six in all."

My mom thinks I'm gay, can someone help me prove her wrong?

You have a nice butt, but I think it would be better if it was on my lap.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants!

Which is easier? Put on those tight pants or get out of them?

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Congratulations! You've been voted the "most beautiful girl in this room" and the grand prize is a night with me!

With a big penis comes big responsibility. If men knew that...

Two different fish swim against a wall... One turns to the other and says: “Damn!

Love is like a broken machine...sometimes it takes a good screw to fix it.

Please tell your breasts to stop staring at me. Do it now.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a boner? I don't have a Ferrari right now.

Are you a sea lion? Because I want to see you lying in my bed later!

I've been wondering, do those lips of yours taste as good as they look? Probably not.

What do a myopic gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A very wet nose.

What is 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women crazy? A $100 bill.

What is the difference between a microwave and a woman? A man will actually push and pull the buttons and knobs on a microwave. The woman stays behind without any interaction at all.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!

Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? It doesn't matter. It's too long and you don't have all day to admire the joke.

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what era it is from!

What would you call someone who says they don't masturbate? A big fat liar.

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What did the boy say when he was caught masturbating with an optical illusion? "It's not what it seems!"

Why is masturbation like procrastination? Everything is fine until you realize you're only screwing yourself.

Why can't I see a blind man on a nude beach? It's usually not difficult at all!

What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeper? One snatches your watch. The other watches your boot.

What is the process for applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this up."

What kind of bees produce milk for a living? Boo-bees.

Why are sagging breasts angry? Because they never get any support from anything.

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What turns clowns on? Inflatable dolls with balloons.

What do a pen*s and a Rubik's cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Call the engine shop for a replacement.

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a lock of hair between his front teeth? A pleasure-he-ate-her.

How do you make your baby scream during intercourse? She calls her and lets her listen.

What is the difference between hungry and horny? Where the cucumber is stuck.

What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? It's going to eat me!

What do you call a herd of masturbating cows? The beef stroking itself!

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? Flavor!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when the customers leave? Thanks for coming!

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock this morning.

What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball? A man will really reach for a golf ball.

What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you exhale from that thing?

How did you quit smoking? I decided to smoke only after making love.

What is long, hard and full of cum? A submarine!

What's the difference between your pens and a bonus check? There is always someone willing to spend your bonus.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Find out he was tracked.

What are the three shortest words in the English language? is he inside?

What do you do when your cat passes away? He plays with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken is sold separately.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A man.

It's a sunny day at the pond. What does the frog say today? "Rub it."

Knock Knock! Who's there? Dewey! Dewey who? Dewey see a condom? It is dark here!

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Knock Knock. Who's there? (mocking voice) Who would you like me to be?

"I wish you were a door so I could bang on you all day."

"Well, while capitalism is screwing over the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in the crap."

What is the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in at all, but it's really a shame to take it out once it's started. Ask God if shame cancels a sin.

Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father getting intimate with the nanny. Seconds later, he bolts and is never seen again.

A screwdriver gets into a limo and tells the driver, "Fuck you!"

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a good year. The other is a great year.

What is the difference between the sound of 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'? About four inches.

What is the difference between a terminal Greyhound and a lobster with tits? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I get very hot with you inside me.

What do a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common? The more you play with it, the more difficult it will be to use.

What comes after 69? A gallon of mouthwash.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? A bubblegum!

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank say? Thanks for coming here today!

What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself? A tear gas.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? Both are meat substitutes.

What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A dick that stays up all night.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without children.

What did the clitoris say to the vulva? All is well in the neighborhood!

What did the boy say when he was caught masturbating with an optical illusion? It's not what it seems!
Do you like sales? Because clothes are 100% off at my house.
'You're cute' has U, but 'quickie' has U and me together.

Do you make rugs? Because I'm looking for a deep fuck.

Is your name winter? Because you will come soon.

You're so hot that even the zipper on my pants is falling for you.

They say kissing is the language of love, would you mind starting a conversation to see if it's true?

I'm on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

I love my bed, but let's try yours.

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Your body is more than sixty percent water... and I'm very thirsty.

I lost my car keys... I think they fell down your pants!

Do I have to provide my signature for your package? If so, consider it done!

Are you an elevator? Because I don't mind going up and down with you all day.

The roses are Red. Violets are fine. You can be the six. I will be the nine.

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I wish you were my big toe. Then I would hit you on every piece of furniture in my house.

Are you a campfire? Because you're hot and I want s'more.

I hope you identify as a trampoline because I want to bounce on you.

Let only latex stand between our love, if you know what I mean!

My day job is not usually being a meteorologist, but tonight you can expect a few more inches.

Let's play a game known as "carpenter"! First, they'll hammer us, then I'll nail you.

Why do walruses love Tupperware parties? They are always looking for a tight seal.

Masturbation almost always leads to more. It's basically a gateway pull.

According to a recent survey, sixty-nine percent of people find something dirty in every sentence.

My girlfriend tried to excite me on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused. If I'm going to do this, it will be on my Accord account.

How many Bitcoin maxes does it take to screw in a light bulb? "That's not fun!" –Bitcoin maxis (Elon Musk)

I just found an origami porn channel, but you only see it on paper.

Have you heard of the man who ejaculated without a penis? She came out of nowhere.

Why do vegans give better heads? They are used to eating nuts.

“I blame my mother for my poor dorm life. All she said to me was: 'The man goes on top and the woman goes below'. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds." (Joan Rios)

Why would a mermaid wear seashells? Because it probably outgrew their B shells!

Why do women wear panties with flowers? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Welcome to the Club of the Sensual Innuendos. Thank you all for coming.

Why is making love like math? You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplication involved.

They say that during sensual activities at bedtime, you burn as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

Thunderstorms are a bit like being intimate, if you think about it. You never know how many inches it will get or how long it will last.

How is playing bridge like flirting? If you don't have a good partner, you really need to have a good hand.

How is life like a man's dick? Sometimes it gets hard when you don't expect it.

If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to making love, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of control?

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

“Do you want to know why women don't blink before foreplay? The man does not last long enough.

Why do mice have such small balls? Because only a few mice know how to dance.

I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on one hand, it feels great!

How is sex like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don't even need a partner to play with!

Why is masturbation like procrastination? Everything is fine until you realize you're only screwing yourself.

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