157 Dirty Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side - O-hand (2023)

"Give it to me! Give it to me! she screamed. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was left with the umbrella.

What is the difference between a job and marriage?
A job still sucks after 10 years.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

What are the three shortest words in the English language?
"Is he in?"

Why do women talk so much and men think so much?
Because one has two lips and the other has two heads.

Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist to a new one?
Because the old man has shaky hands.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you reply in a funny way, "I can't talk right now, I'm going into a tunnel."

What does a sagging breast say to another sagging breast? "If we don't get support, people will think we're crazy."

What is the best thing about gardening?
Get down and dirty with your hoes

What is the difference between me/you and a mosquito?
A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.

What is the difference between you and the refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't groan when I put my meat in it.

I took a Viagra the other day. He got stuck in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.

It starts with the letter "P" and ends in "O.R.N". I play an important role in the film industry. It's me?
Popcorn.

What four-letter word starts with "f" and ends with "k," and if you can't figure it out, you can always use your hands?
A fork

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
"I want you inside of me."

"I bet you can't tell me something to make me happy and sad at the same time," a husband tells his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock lock?
A beaver dam!

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

My neighbor got mad at his wife for sunbathing naked. I personally am on the fence.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say when the customers leave?
"Thanks for coming!"

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.

Unless you spread it around, you may not enjoy it. What is it?
Butter.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute could wash her crack and resell it.

A cow has four. All women have only two. What is it?
Legs.

Most of the time when I go in, I cause some pain. I can fill your holes when you ask me to. Sometimes I ask you to spit it out and not swallow it. Who I am?
A dentist.

You play with it at night and it vibrates. What is it?
A cell phone.

You put your poles inside me. You tie me up to get up. I get wet before you. It's me?
Carp

What is long and hard when young and soft and small when old?
A candle.

What is the difference between a woman's G-spot and a quarter?
Men have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it.

How to make a pool table laugh?
Tickle his balls.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." “You put my husband's teeth in last week,” she replied. "Now we have to remove them."

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock this morning.

What is the difference between hungry and horny?
Where the cucumber is stuck.

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and hits the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to save the innocence of her little son, the mother turns around and says, “Don't worry, dear. That was just a bug. “Wow,” the boy replies. "I'm surprised he could take off with a dick like that!"

If they're making divorce cakes, why not 'Happy menopause!' 'Hmm, it's a little dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?

You never know where to look when you eat a banana.

The young couple next to me have recently made a sex tape. Obviously, they don't know yet.

Today I bought a box of condoms. The cashier asked me if he wanted a bag.
I said “no, I'll just turn off the lights”.

The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I'm sorry, but if Christmas is coming up, so am I.

What do you call a video of two toads having sex?
Frog spawn.

What gets longer if pulled, fits perfectly between the breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when worn incorrectly, and works well when shaken?
a seat belt

When I'm at the supermarket, I always choose the cashier who is most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self checkout.

I am the highlight of many dates. I am especially receptive when you put your fingers deep inside me. It's me?
a bowling ball

Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Alfa.
Alpha who?
Alpha cure mom.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me hot.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Frozen.
ice cream who?
Ice cream all night if you're lucky.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I can pass?
Can I enter who?
Not until we have a serious discussion about birth control.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Bulldozer.
Bulldozer who?
Dozer the biggest breasts I've ever seen.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I. Me who?
Ben down and lick my boots!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita you inside me.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
¡Dewey! Dewey quien?
Does Dewey have a condom handy?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Bagdad.
Baghdad who?
I would love to see you fight Baghdad.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Ivan. Ivan who?
Ivan is going to do something bad to you!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Waiter.
waiter who?
Only waiter I put my hands on you.

Knock Knock.
Forward.
Damn.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
amanda
Amanda who?
Amanda puts you to bed, and then your lonely nights are over!

Knock Knock.
Who's there? (sexy voice)
Who would you like it to be?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Alabama! to whom?
By giving you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
has reilly
I'm Reilly who?
Ima Reilly excited to see you naked later.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Nicholas! Nicholas, who?
Girls without panties shouldn't climb trees.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Damn, you said.
Damn, did you say who?
"Me!"

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Masters. Amos who?
I got bitten by a mosquito!
Knock Knock.
Who's there? andy
Andy who?
And it bit me again!

Knock Knock.
Who's there? Howie.
Like who?
How is she going to hide this matter from her husband?

What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Donald Trump has a small one. And Seal has none. It's me?
a last name

I'm dirty, I love to be filled with wood, but someone only sucks me once a year. It's me?
A chimney.

You must suck me to play with me. It's me?
A balloon.

I have a long shaft. I always penetrate point first and always come with a quiver. It's me?
Arrow

What is the maximum speed limit during sex?
68. Because when you get to 69, you'll have to turn around!

What can you find in a man's pants that you will never find in a woman's?
pockets

What stays wet when you tie its legs?
A turkey.

I'm usually six inches long, about two inches wide, and everyone loves having me in their pants?
A $100 bill.

Sometimes I get a finger. You play with me when you're bored. the best man always has me first. It's me?
Your wedding band.

Dirty Mind Quiz: What Starts With D And Ends With ick?
Drumstick.

What gets wetter when things get hot?
Steamships.

I am hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. What's inside me tastes great in your mouth. It's me?
A coconut.

You use your hand to hit me, the bigger I am the louder I make people scream. It's me?
A spider.

I can be short or long, I bring a lot of joy to people and you can have several at the same time. It's me?
tweets.

What do newlywed couples get on their wedding day that is long and sometimes difficult?
A new last name.

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Flavor.

I want to be inside you every day, and you can set me to vibrate for more fun. It's me?
An electric toothbrush.

Name a word that starts with "f" and ends with "u-c-k"?
Fire truck!

You put your hands on me first thing in the morning. You always play with me in bed before going to sleep. I live mostly in your pants and I'm always on your mind, you can't live without me. It's me?
a smartphone

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because it outgrew their B shells!

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

What do you do when your cat is dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

What has 148 teeth and holds a monster back?
my zipper

What is the name of Moby Dick's father?
Boner dad.

What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball? A guy will really reach for a golf ball!

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dictator!

What did the leper say to the sex worker?
Keep the change.

What is long, hard and full of cum?
A submarine!

How to make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call her and tell her.

Why was the squirrel swimming on its back?
To keep your nuts dry.

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
the head nurse

What is the difference between a tire and a used condom 365?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a Great Year.

I am made of latex or rubber. You use me as protection whenever you're not as comfortable with what you're diving into. You use your fingers to pull me up and out. It's me?
Gloves.

I help with e**ctions. Sometimes giant balls hang from me. I am known as a great swinger. It's me?
a crane

I admit it, I have a tremendous sexual desire. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

What do you get when you rattle Santa's balls?
A white Christmas!

What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Perverted is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

What do a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What three-letter word starts with an "s", ends with an "x" and has a vowel in the middle?
Six

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: they are no longer as thick and insensitive.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For touching a minor.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double meaning. So he gives it to her.

If women are so damn perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

I come in different sizes, shapes and colors. I drip from time to time. Sometimes I feel good when I suck it and sometimes it can be painful. It's me?
Nose.

I currently have a stalker. But you probably can't tell in these pants.

I am extended before being eaten. Your tongue excites me. Sometimes people lick my balls. It's me?
Peanut butter

I'm dating an English teacher, which is kind of awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She is particularly upset by my inappropriate use of the colon.

All day he is in and out. I unload loads from my axis. Both men and women jump on me. It's me?
An elevator

A woman gets out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you can use the remote control.

Why can't you hear the rabbits making love?
Because they have cotton balls.

A man and a woman began to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the last ten minutes!"

Do you need a carpenter?
Because I could nail you and then hammer you.

What are the 2 most important holes in a woman's body?
His nostrils.

Are you a coconut?
I want to squash you until all the white stuff comes out.

Why are women like Popeye?
Because once you're done with the brisket and thighs, all you have is an empty box to put the bone in.

What do a boyfriend and a spider have in common?
Women always exaggerate how big it is.

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
There is always someone willing to spend your bonus.

Why don't witches wear underwear?
Because they need a better grip.

I didn't have sex at all, not one bit until I was 67. And that was because I had no small change for the window cleaner.

All men have it. Some have theirs longer than others sometimes depending on where they come from. The Pope and most Catholic bishops rarely wear theirs. Men usually give it to their wives once they get married. It's me?
Your last name.

Want to know a proven way a man and a woman can be friends without s3x?
Marriage.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill my mouth out," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

What do a good woman and a good bar have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back.

How did Pinocchio know he was made of wood?
Because his right hand caught fire.

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't follow me home after I dump a load in it.

What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take him from behind and say "whoot whoot".

What did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales?
They grabbed him for the jewelry.

How do you see a blind man on a nudist beach?
Is not difficult.

The sperm bank nurse asked me if I would like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."

What do you do when a woman is drowning?
Back up a few inches.

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?
Nuts and bolts.

I have never laughed at a woman in bed, but I have laughed at one out of bed many times.

I'm mostly six inches long. I go in and out of your mouth following a rhythmic pattern. I feel more comfortable when it's wet and very unpleasant when it's dry. I can be more fun when I vibrate. In the end, I make you happy and confident. Who I am?
A toothbrush.

What is the difference between Covid and your legs?
I don't want Covid to spread.

A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in his eyes.
I said, 'You're right, it's supposed to be in the butt!

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks for the family tree, a gynecologist looks for the family tree.

What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?
Gum.

A guy is sitting in the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating. “I don't understand, doc,” says the patient. "Because?" "Because," says the doctor. "I'm trying to examine you."

I wonder what my parents did to combat boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged herself.

What is the love language of a lesbian?
speaking in tongue

A father tells his son “Stop masturbating! if you do it too long you will go blind.”
The son replied: “Dad, I am here.

A woman comes out of the produce section with bad news.
He turned the cucumber into a pickle.

What do you do when you're a man trapped in a woman's body?
You quit.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

When I was 11 years old, my mother gave me a lecture on cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and think, 'Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure. She had the exact opposite effect: there's no way you can enjoy having a man between your legs if you're 'thinking,' Hmm, Mom would be proud.

The only thing I can offer to reassure the ladies is that I do not pose any sexual threat. I'm 42 years old, I literally have to hit him with nettles. Sex with me these days is like sticking marshmallows up a cat's anus.

What do your girlfriend and a swimming pool have in common?
Both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you're in them.

A woman who participated in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said: "It depends on what I earn for myself."

My girlfriend recently asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, 'Yeah, who did you think that was?